Two weeks before the re-introduction of the level three lockdown Ilze and I decided to replace our tired and inefficient kitchen pantry with a better one. We decided against the “Bunnings” standard types and anxious to be more local found a company in Kilsyth called Flat Pack Kitchens whom we recommend. We chose a fusion style of Australian ingenuity with hand crafted melamine sheets and German precision stainless steel shelving, which was to prove the only difficulty we had. Two cupboards, one with five baskets that each slide out independently for the heavier items and beside it and additional five baskets on a hydraulically self -closing frame, that all come out together.

On Tuesday there was a technical breach of the Lock-down Rules as we had to hire a small truck costing $95, to collect the packages, saving us the “$250 delivery some time this week”, fee. But as Ilze had unpacked our old cupboards, the contents of which were now strewn across the DROC registration table taking up a large part of our lounge room we deemed this to be “shopping for essentials”

Unpacking produced a monumental amount of plastic and cardboard but we managed to get it into the bin as the recycle truck came up the street. (German precision planning be dammed). We also managed to get the old cabinets unscrewed and outside (producing another monumental mound of used melamine sheets) to give us a clear run for the next day.

With Ilze standing by with the required change of glasses and other tools we managed to assemble the two, precision made, Australian melamine cabinets and get them squarish and screwed into place.

On Wednesday the easy part began, (chuckling heard from stage left). Carefully measuring the height of each of the individual German precision made pull out  basket draws, we marked out their location using the NON PROVIDED instructions and screwed in the running tracks, one either side in a cupboard wider than my spirit level called for a leap of faith with our Chinese made steel ruler.

Here, perhaps, is required an explanation for those readers, born prior to decimalisation in 1966, of the more commonly used measurement units that are embed into the soul of us older folk. You may be familiar with yards, feet and inches but apart from the larger measurements of roods, purchases and chains there was also a host of micro measurements that were needed when installing German precision made steel shelving. Too numerous to mention here but the more common ones are a “Tad” used to indicate less that 0.50mm, a “Gnats wing” about 0.75mm and a “Sparrows f—t” for anything less than 0.100mm. The difficulties with this system becomes immediately apparent to the home builder whom, whilst lying face down in a cabinet with a mouth full of screws, has to ask her indoors, who is not familiar with such technical language, to lift it up a sparrows. None the less late in the day the first set of shelves were in and the door fitted and was found to have been sent with the wrong hinges that did not allow the door to clear the way for the baskets. We just had time for a further breach of the lockdown rules to go and change these essential items.

On Thursday at 9am, refreshed and buoyed with the knowledge that the installation of the second shelving unit was going to be made easier by a set of “instructions.” We began.

“………. after removing the upper part of the lower slide plate (d) use it to mark the screw holes on the upper case to allow the installation of the cleated plates (d) to the front no closer than 11mm from the centre line of the bottom hydraulic carrier (c) use base installation screws (h) and (j) making sure to put the longer one to the rear.” What could go wrong.

At 4.15pm Ilze’s good friend rang as the installer had completed his third attempt at getting the thing to close without banging on the door and she sent her a picture of the work that includes the near hysterical installer refreshing himself as he prepared to test it.

It went well.

The job is done and the installer indulged in further refreshment as her indoors re-stacked the shelves. Despite all our years together he was still stupid enough to say “don’t you think the spaghetti canisters should be a tad more to the left?” Ducking swiftly, he went outside to tidy up and admire the Orchid wall that had been completed earlier that week and rearrange the up lighting so he could partake of a tads more refreshment in the evening.

Oh. The major rule.

Do not break wind whilst lying face down in a cabinet with your arm stuck under the hydraulic unit (j) as swift escape is not possible.

Maybe we should wear our masks inside too.

Pete.

PS. Readers have asked about the failure to include the term “smidgen” in the pre-decimal micro measurement system. This of course is obvious as it is a measurement of of bulk or liquid and belongs with “a slurp, nip, touch-more” etc.

ED.